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hold  fast x hope
28 February 2007 @ 03:24 am
 should be in bed, but i just spent the past few hours reading back al my lj entries && comments back to a little before i went to ohio to visit and drive down with amanda

and ive been crying this whole time.

especially when i got to my voice posts i left while on the drive down here and stuff.

i also got really angry again about a fued between my mom&sister&i. what a big fucking mess that was.

but.. gooosh. i dont know. i wish it was different. and i wish if it hadnt workd out with her down here, that it would have all ended on good terms and we still good friends so that we could at least visit eachother and talk and stuff, still.

::shrugs:: i dont know. blahhh...

i guess i might start updating more. it feels like i never left. i dont know what means.

but for now, im going to head to bed. im a dumbass for staying up this late. again.
hold  fast x hope
08 February 2007 @ 05:47 pm
wow. anna nichole smith is dead, guys...

hold  fast x hope
20 January 2007 @ 03:03 pm
it's a hard day.

an anniversary i could do without.

hold  fast x hope
06 December 2006 @ 12:15 pm
i know im never on here anymore.... but i do read occasionally to get caught up with you guys.

but really - email me? or IM me? [holdfastxhope@gmail.com & holdfastxh0pe on aim]

i really miss a lot of you...

and also, id love to send out my christmas cards to you guys, so comment me/email me/IM you addresses? i'll screen these comments so that only i can see them.

miss you guys!!! keep.in.touch
hold  fast x hope
24 October 2006 @ 09:18 pm

At this particular time you are feeling the results of extreme stressand you are seeking a 'way out' but you are pushing too hard. Obviouslyyou need peace, tranquillity and contentment. Your temperament is suchthat you are hoping, unrealistically perhaps, that your desires willshortly be fulfilled (even if at this time you are not quite sure whatthose true aspirations may be!).

Youare a true extrovert, frivolous and outgoing. You need to feel incontrol of any situation. If matters are not proceeding according toplan you tend to get extremely irritable and perhaps become difficultto live with.

The way things are at this time it is necessary to'go slow'. All the pleasures that you have anticipated should be leftin abeyance until some future date, but all is not lost, you are ableto derive and achieve considerable gratification from someone quiteclose to you.

Nobody seems to understand you at this moment foreverything you suggest or do seems to be taken up the wrong way. All ofthis misunderstanding is leading to anxiety and stress. The situationnaturally is not as you would like it to be - you feel that you arebeing treated most unfairly and that trust, affection and understandingare being withheld from you and that you are being treated with ademeaning lack of consideration. You consider yourself being denied theappreciation essential to your well being and self-esteem and thatthere is nothing you can do about it. You feel that whatever you try todo to change the situation, you are getting nowhere fast. You wouldreally like to get away from it all but can't find the energy or thestrength of mind to make the necessary decision.

The tensionsand stresses that you have experienced of late have been the result oftrying to cope with conditions which are really beyond yourcapabilities. You feel completely inadequate to cope with the situationand you would like nothing better to escape from it all and to be ableto relax in a problem and pressure free environment where you can doyour thing.
hold  fast x hope
18 October 2006 @ 08:49 am
so, i just couldnt resist right now.

ive been gone form lj for a while, but i have been reading my friend's page every so often.

i just needed a break, and probably wont even be updating much.

i've kind of moved to Youtube and have been "video blogging". i looove it. ive only made two blogs so far, but my voice is still gone from being so sick, so i have to wait to make more videos =( which sucks because it's so much fun and there's SUCH huge community of people over on youtibe that do the video blogging thing and i enjoy it so much. im even doing my psychology research paper on it =D

anyway, just wanted to say hi and stuff. things are going pretty well. daniel's doing really well in school and should be done soon and his band is going ever better. they just had thier first show on friday and t went a lot better than expected. so theyre feeling thatthere may be a tour coming up pretty soon. kind of scary!

danie and i on the other hand.. iii dont know. im not feeling annyy sparks anymore... i even had a dream this morning of this guy who looked like the disney show's, Phil of the Future, guy and it was at that cute "omgzz i like you" stage. him me and this other girl were all friends and i knew she really liked him, so i kept my feelings to myself, but come to find out, he liked ME. it was so freaking adorable. i could seriously feel my heart beat racing and stuff from it. in the dream i fell asleep or something and he gently kissed me awake and.. ::sigh:: it was so nice.

unlike this morning when i was on the floor because kaidan was taking up so much room and daniel woke up and got ready for school and left and didnt even wake me up to tell me i could move to the bed. [and yes, we've talked about this whole "it feels like we're friends and not in a relationship" thing. its like th eonly thing we fight about. well, that *I* sight about...]

and the major thing that drove me to write in here was this overwhelming feeling of wanting another babbyyy. but goosh. kaidan has been driving me NUUUUTS lately. haha. poor guy has to more teeth coming in so he's in some pain and it makes him soooo grumpy. so why on earth i'd want another one to care for is beyond me. i just do. BIG time.

school is going allrightt, i suppose. i'm doing kind of poorly in my speech class. my last quiz's grade was awwwful.... but its becaus ei have NO time to study. i think i am going to have to take off school for a bit. i cant do it when daniel is in school mon-fri, 8am-3pm. its too hard on me. i have NO time to study or do these major papers coming up. its really too much on me. so i think i'll go back when daniel is out of school. next fall, hopefully? i just hope this semester doesnt mess me up too much =/

well, i guess that's as basic of a summary as i can get. uhmm.. oh!

i dont know if you guys knew, but daniel got into an accident with my [brand new =( ] car a few weeks ago. he's fine [surprisingly] but he was stopped at a redlight behind an SUV and a car going 40mph rammed into hi, which shot him into the SUV in front of him and it totalled my car...

well, the guy's insurance only gave me a quarter of what my car was worth so that was VERY upsetting. so i used a lot of my financial aid to pitch in to get another, at least, decent car. which i got on friday - an 02' Mitsubishi Lancer OZ Rally. pretty nice car. i just miss my spectra so much =(

well, i guess that's about all for now. i really dont know how much ill be updating, but we'll see.

love you all
hold  fast x hope
11 July 2006 @ 03:15 am
"dear, john"

you fucking prick.

would you like to actually have facts before you go and make such assumptions?

youre right. the keyhole that youre looking through must be awfully DAMN small because you cant see shit.

i leave him with "other people" a lot more than reasonable? i'm sorry i "leave him" with my mother, his grandmother at times. either because i am deathly ill and physically cannot and even though i make it best i can with watching him, my mom BEGS me to have her watch him. and my "ecuse" for him being thee over night? daniel is coming to PSL tomorrow to spend a week or two with his mother and i didnt want to bring kaidan back tonight and have him have to make a long trip BACK to PSL in the morning. again, my MOTHER offered to watch him, as did courtney. and if she didnt want to, dottie would have more than willingly watched him.
i would have stayed overnight but, opps! i have a 3-hour medical treatment in the morning that i need to be here for.

and we ARE on WIC [and food stamps AND medicaid, not that any of that is your damned business]. what the fuck does it matter to you? of course i am not stupid enough to pass by oppertunites such as those. free money? yes please.

i HAVE tried to get disability. again, i'm not FUCKING STUPID. i'm not eligible. which is why i have interviews lined up. again, what the hell is it to you? i make money here and there. i have what i need. if i want to get a job, then i'll get one.

any kind of college? wow. good thng i am halfway to an assosiate's degree and signed up for classes in the fal. will kaidan be 5 already by the end of this year? hmm.. time sure does fly.

i am more of an adult than you'll ever be. i go out to the movies a couple times when i am at my mom's house because she offers to watch him so i can have some "me" time. you dont see what it's like when i am here in my home with him. he's attached to me, and i wouldnt have it any other way. he's the brightest light in my life and i do everything with him - seaworld every other day, the park,the mall walks outside, grocery shopping. he even co-sleeps with me. just because my mom offers to watch him while i go out fo a couple hours doesnt mean that i am not acting like an adult, or too young to have a child, or that i am doing anything "shocking and disturbing". kaian has the most loving and caring environment possible - which is a tna nd a lot better than a ton of other families out there.

i never have a problem puttingmy child to sleep. niether does my mom nor daniel. maybe he wasnt tired, maybe he was too interested in something else, maybe whatever. just because a baby cries when youre trying to put him down doesnt mean that i have raised him "incorrectly". kaidan IS on a schedule -
8am- wake up
9am- eat breakfast
10:30am- nap time
2 or 3 - lunch
6:00pm- dinner
10:30-11- bedtime

times inbetween those are play times. so you tellme how he isnt on a schedule? what the FUCK is there to corect? i dont need your fucking mother to tell me how to "correct" my child. i dont want my family to be like your whole fucked up family. each one of you was doomed from the womb, including your parents.

what eactly am i trying to keepup with concerning him? i am perfectly happy with the way kaidan is. he's my angel and i dont see a single flaw in him. he's the "easiest" baby i've ever known, seen, or heard of. theres nothng to do to make him "right". he's perfect to me and theres nothing about him i need to change. and there's crtainly nothing about my paternting i need to change. he spends every moment with me.i dont see what youre fucking deal is.

"Stop dumping your flesh and blood firstborn son onto other people's laps" - what the HELL are you talking about?? my mom goes weeks without seeing him so she offers to watch him over nght [when his father will be here in 12 hours!] what the hell? i am not "dumping" him anywhere. its not like i am going out to party and drink and do drugs and whatever else.

babies DONT go to sleep by putting them down in bed. i'd like to see any baby you know do that because then there's something fucked up with them. nothign with kaidan needs to be fixed. rocking him to sleep and having that time with him means the world to me. and i wouldnt want it any other way.

you didnt need any of this explanation but i needed to vent. you have NO FUCKING IDEA how infuriated i was and still am.

you are a goddamn asshole. and i hope you fucking die in iraq. you're going to tear apart my family and i hope youre happy with that.i dont dwant to see your fucking face ever again and if i do, i will rip it off. yo have no idea how tempted i was to drive down there and kick your fucking ass. i pray to whatever power there is you go overseas and die. it'll be best for everyone, and you know that.

next timeyou want to criticize others, besides actually knowing the facts before you bitch, take a look at your own shit life.

-youre going into the military because you cant do anything else with yourself
-youre only job has been burger king (oh wait, there was the "computer tech" job you got fired from)
-my mom paid for your braces to be taken off because you were too damn lazy to get a job to pay for it yourself.
-you STILL dont have your license. or a car. my mom has to drive you and my sister out on your "dates".
-you really have no future so you try to make your girlfriend [my sister] feellike shit and like her ambitions will never amount to anythng because you dont have any of your own becaue theres no reason to believe in yourself.
-youre a scumbag who tried to get a 16 year old to agree to marry him right out of highschoo JUST SO you could have sex.

i could go on forever.

you're shit and you know it. sorry. such is your life

and anyone who is completely confused, you can IM me at holdfastxh0pe and i'll explain the best of my ability - but this is all derived from this livejournal post that i came home to by my sister's boyfriend:

Dear SarahCollapse )
hold  fast x hope
16 April 2006 @ 01:22 pm
my sister [kawaiinekogrl] is trying to earn money for her trip to Japan in july. Se needs a total of $6000 and, needless to say, that's a lot of money that we don't have.

she gets to go for 14 DAYS and see SO much stuff and even go to places that no one else would be allowed to go to [government buildings and stuff], even if you went with a tour guide.

if you could donate ANYTHING, even a seemingly mere dollar, it would help SO much. she hasn't figured out exactly what, but she wants to repay you by sending you a postcard from japan [ a japanese stamp and everything! i think that's awesome] or some kind of souvenir or some other kind of token of appreciation. [and if you have any ideas for this, volunteer it!]

she's working REALLY hard for the money to go, but i setup this paypal account for her and everything to help out a bit. the money will go straight into her savings account.


if you can, click the banner and it'll take you straight to the paypal site. also, if you could leave your address in a comment, i'll write it down for her so she can send you a little something =) all comments will be screened.

thank you SOOO much in advance. this means the world to her and i really hope she'll be able to go.

Current Mood: greatful
Current Music: rja - atrophy
hold  fast x hope
16 February 2006 @ 01:37 am

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