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19 March 2007 @ 09:23 am
so full of ideas and thoughts.

i SHOULD be talking to daniel about all of them, but you know what? he obviously doesnt fucking listen, or i wouldnt be HAVING these thoughts.

i'm rambling before it's time to call my doctor to make an appt. to go in and talk to him about anxiety medication. i hope the appt. setter doesnt ask why i am making an appt. maybe i can get away with "personal matters". hopefully.

seriously thinking of moving back to port saint lucie. maybe getting at a job at one of the 834398 call centers inthe area, working like, 6pm-2am... and saving up enough to eventually put kaidan in dayschool so i could work during the day instead...or something.

i'm thinking of going to apply at soe places down there and see if i could get interviews and even hired, before i actually make the move.

....and where this would leave daniel & i ?
...no idea.

i CANT break up with him. we have a KID together. we've lived together for 2 1/2 years. there's too much history and too many people involved. it would fuck SO much up.

besides, i'd be lonely for the rest of my life. who'd want to be with some fat chick with a kid? yeah, didnt think so.

but i mean, what the fuck. stuf like this morning - i was sleeping on the living room floor with kaidan, and he comes up and kicks my pillow over and over and i stir out of sleep and he says "you were grinding your teeth" and walks away.

uh, you couldnt wake me up gently? is bending down and scratching my head and even gently shaking my shoulder too much for you?

or last night when he was laying on the living room floor and i was on the couch watching my usual nightly Law&Order:SVU and i have a cold, so my ears are kinda stuffy, so i had to have the volume raised kinda loud, i guess, and he tells me to turn it down and says he needs to get some sleep because:
"I have school tomorrow, unlike you"

so as you can see, i'm really feeling the love.

not to mention friday night when i came home kinda drunk, walked in the door and pretty much threw my clothes off and sat on the floor in front of him [he was on the couch] and got NO attention because he was "tired". I had to run tothe bedroom and start crying before he even noticed me.

there's no spark. no affection. we're just roommates, it seems...

time to call the doctor....

R.E. Rowanfossilresource on March 19th, 2007 06:14 pm (UTC)

i'm sorry. good luck with your doctors appointment. sometimes people can't do everything all on their own and need something to help deal with it all. you're trying, i wish he could see that or just be there for you.

hold  fast x hopeholdfastxhope on March 19th, 2007 06:57 pm (UTC)
thanks, love.

he's just such a child at heart, it think. i dont understand - he can be so mature at times, but its like he lacks social common sense or.. i dont even know.

maybe he's just tired of me. seems he'd rather be playing video games than doing anything else.

i dont know =/

but its not like im any pleasure to live with. im so angry and irritable and everything all the time.
cheapsex on March 19th, 2007 08:39 pm (UTC)
yeah he sounds like my dad.

come live with meeeeeeeee in ft. collins. :]
you can work up here for a year and then go to community college for in-state tuition.
hold  fast x hopeholdfastxhope on March 19th, 2007 08:42 pm (UTC)
i'd *love* to. i hate florida =(
Danipink_teacups on March 20th, 2007 05:28 pm (UTC)
First off if you really wanna break up with him then do it!! People should never stay together just because they have children together!! You say who would want a fat girl with a baby...well have you seen me? Believe me there are guys out there that dont mind woman with children!! Good luck with everything! ♥ and you know you can always call or text me!!
_meliska_meliska on March 25th, 2007 04:54 pm (UTC)
Don't stay together jsut for kaiden - my parents did that for a while. It does way more harm than good.

Move to Orlando, get a job at the hospital with me working 3 days a week (for full time). :o)