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hold  fast x hope
06 April 2007 @ 01:55 pm
1. go to www.google.com
2. click on "maps"
3. click on "get directions"
4. type "New York" in the first box (the "from" box)
5. type "London" in the second box (the "to" box)
6. click "get directions"
7. scroll down to step #23

hahah, nice

casts suck =(
but pain pills are amazing.

and some other shit but blahhhh. dont even wanna go into it. but lives are uh-changin'.
hold  fast x hope
19 March 2007 @ 09:23 am
so full of ideas and thoughts.

i SHOULD be talking to daniel about all of them, but you know what? he obviously doesnt fucking listen, or i wouldnt be HAVING these thoughts.

i'm rambling before it's time to call my doctor to make an appt. to go in and talk to him about anxiety medication. i hope the appt. setter doesnt ask why i am making an appt. maybe i can get away with "personal matters". hopefully.

seriously thinking of moving back to port saint lucie. maybe getting at a job at one of the 834398 call centers inthe area, working like, 6pm-2am... and saving up enough to eventually put kaidan in dayschool so i could work during the day instead...or something.

i'm thinking of going to apply at soe places down there and see if i could get interviews and even hired, before i actually make the move.

....and where this would leave daniel & i ?
...no idea.

i CANT break up with him. we have a KID together. we've lived together for 2 1/2 years. there's too much history and too many people involved. it would fuck SO much up.

besides, i'd be lonely for the rest of my life. who'd want to be with some fat chick with a kid? yeah, didnt think so.

but i mean, what the fuck. stuf like this morning - i was sleeping on the living room floor with kaidan, and he comes up and kicks my pillow over and over and i stir out of sleep and he says "you were grinding your teeth" and walks away.

uh, you couldnt wake me up gently? is bending down and scratching my head and even gently shaking my shoulder too much for you?

or last night when he was laying on the living room floor and i was on the couch watching my usual nightly Law&Order:SVU and i have a cold, so my ears are kinda stuffy, so i had to have the volume raised kinda loud, i guess, and he tells me to turn it down and says he needs to get some sleep because:
"I have school tomorrow, unlike you"

so as you can see, i'm really feeling the love.

not to mention friday night when i came home kinda drunk, walked in the door and pretty much threw my clothes off and sat on the floor in front of him [he was on the couch] and got NO attention because he was "tired". I had to run tothe bedroom and start crying before he even noticed me.

there's no spark. no affection. we're just roommates, it seems...

time to call the doctor....

hold  fast x hope
14 March 2007 @ 11:26 am
oh yeah,

now i remember why i fucking left livejournal.

gahh alkdhsladhlskhlshdsljdskljds;
hold  fast x hope
10 March 2007 @ 06:11 am

still awake

taste of chaos in 12 hours

JARED&&&SHANNON LETO<333333333333333333


im excited.

and dead tired..

hold  fast x hope
08 March 2007 @ 12:32 am
just updating while i wait for priston tale to do a clean install.

i still have to write up those other posts. ust stuff i want to talk about... but havent had the time. oh well, i'll get around to it. the thoughts arent going anywhere.

so the server works. but im having problems logging in. i think it might have been a stupid mistake of not patching the client properly, so thats what im trying now. hopefully it works! this is pretty fun! but kinda of aggerating since everything is in Korean >.<

today was hectic.. kaidan didnt fall asleep until 4:30am last night and then woke up at 8am. not much sleep happened. so he as grump alll day. finaly i had to get out of the house, so i took him grocery shopping and he had fun, so he was a lot better behaved the rest of the day. i cant stay mad at that kid. he's too adorable.

a friend of mine and her boyfriend [the drummer of daniel's most recent band] are having some hard times right now so i basically bought double of everything i got while grocery shopping and dropped it by their place and she cried because she was so happy and thankful. it makes me feel really good to be appriciated and it was so happy to be able to help them out.

michael's gone for 2 weeks, and its so awesome to walk around the apartment naked, or even in a tshirt and panties. hahahah. it's been way too long. not having to worry about puttng clothes on right away out of the shower is fabulous. Hahahaha.

i realized today that we only have 2 1/2 months left in this apartment. i cant believe it's been that long already. we were SURE daniel was going ot be done with school, but it looks like thats not going to happen. which. sucks. it means we're stuck living in orlandof or another year. we're never going to get out of florida. LOL. but yeah, been looking around at places and found a few nice ones. i'm sick of moving around from shitty apartment to shitty apartment. hahah.

hopefully Jessi [and matt??] are up to getting a house. but its such short notice... i dont think she'll be ready to move out and such by then. i guess we'll see.

well, files almost done. gotta install it then head to bed

hold  fast x hope
06 March 2007 @ 03:58 pm
i wish more people used MSN - as much as i hate microsoft, t has a ton of cooler features and it takes up WAYYYY less resources than AIM.

so all day today ive been developing/programming my own private server for a game i used to play called Pristontale. It's like WorldOfWarcraft, but, well, less quality. hahah.

but pristontale recently went PayToPlay, and there are other private servers out there that you can play on without paying, but i decided to try out programming and write up my own code for a server ^.^

its going really well, but, i did one stupid stupid stupid mistake about 6 hours ago and now i have to erase pretty much all ive done and do it over. but thats okay because i'll be able to go through it quicker this time.

pshhh, who needs to go to a school that charges $80k?? haha.

But i plan to familurize myself with a lot of this and how it works and maybe eventually start a server for a popular game like WoW maybe and make a profit off of it. How's THAT for a stay-at-home job?? I'm excited about it. but it'll take some time because i can host up to like MAYBE 70 people on my connection, but i'd really need to have a dedicated server for my players to connect on, which could cost up towards $300 or so a month. so i need to have starter money, i need to have a couple people as a staff [not really a problem.] and i just need to be bascially really fluent in the game.

whew. yes. im excited.

anyway, there are two big posts i want to make. and they each deserve thier own post, i feel. so hopefully ill have time to write those up. maybe later tonight or tomorrow.

anyway, wish me luck getting this server running!!
hold  fast x hope
05 March 2007 @ 07:00 am

look how big he's getting =( [ignore the sad face - i was waking him up because we were almost to grandma's house and he was angry a me, hehehe]

more of an update later, but i just wanted to say how PISSED i am right now because some FUCK cashed a fradulent check against our ank account and took out 60bucks. what the hell?? if i hadnt checked out online banking thing this morning, would have never known. "teller cashed check" - yeah, thats great.


people make me so damn angry.
hold  fast x hope
02 March 2007 @ 01:38 pm
you know it's fort pierce when you drive in to town and the first thing you see is a wild boar crossing the road.

ahh.. home sweet home


...i'll be so glad when our moms move and there will be no reason to come back down here. LOL
hold  fast x hope
02 March 2007 @ 12:47 am
so, i dyed my hair yet again tonight. i was getting tired of the orange brassyness. i got my hair REALLY light [i was aiming for platnium] but after a few days, the orange just came back. which is aggervating and if that's going to happen, i cant keep my hair light - its already pretty dead as it is.

so i died it an ashy blond and i was SO shocked. i havent LOVED hair color on me in a LONNNGGG time.its funny because its the color my hair was before i started dying it; back when i was 11. it looks REALLY good, in my opinion. i am thinking of putting TINNNYYY strands of black in it, to spice it up a bit, but i really like it. which is wierd because its so bland. hahah

uhmm, what else. oh yeah. I am sick as a dog, AGAIN. last week, we all got this horrid 24 hour bug and we were vomiting, no lie, ever 10 minutes. guess who got stuck cleaning up kaidan's all night? >.< poor guy, though. but a week before that i had a severe ear infection and sore throat and had finally got over it when i got that virus. and i was feeling fine for a few days, but i got hit again with the ear infection and sore throat. i have to set up a schedule for an ears&nose&throat specialist. im probably going to have to get my tonsils taken out =/ eep!

crohns has been okay, though, thankfully. ive just been eating like a cow because of the medication and my skin is breakin gout a bit - but at least i dont feel like i'm dying. i'd like a bit more energy, though. i cant keep my eyes open half the day - but thats probably a combination of being so sick lately, too. Crohns has killed my immune system. THANKS, AIDS-LIKE DISEASE! wooooo

uhhh, hm. oh, i blew up at daniel today - long story short, he's been ADDICTED to WoW, AGAIN, lately. and it really pisses me off. he comes home and goes straight to the computer and is on it unil he needs to go to bed. well, i got sick of it and just lashed out at him. we have this fight constantly. No wonder why kaidan doesnt fucking talk yet - daniel spends no fucking time with him.he uses the TV as a babysitter so he can play his precious games. i always have to suggest ad beg him to take kaidan out on the playground or to do something with him. its really tiresome. i feel like a single parent, constantly. i'm the one who had to give up everything and i spend day and night with that kid, by myself. sjhdkjwdgfdgfhdgfdjgfiewfheijofhjeirgfjirfgeirufgei

its really aggervating. but anyway, yeah. i blew up at him. told him to get off and that i do not want to see him on unless its the weekend or kaidan is in bed for the night. he did comply, and ordered dinner and a movie for us all, trying to make up for things. but when im angry - you cant do ANYTHING right. so i was still mad. and he's back on WoW, and yeah, kaidan is alseep, but it still pisses me off.

would it be so much to ask to spend time with my significant other?? im at the point, though, where i have no intimate or affectionate feelings for him. no desire to go kiss him or give him a hug or say a random "i love you"

....and that's really sad.

port saint lucie this weekend. mom's birthday is tomorrow [er, today?] so celebration must be had. she's turning 49 =/

and i leave you with some picturesCollapse )
hold  fast x hope
28 February 2007 @ 10:40 pm
i am SO craving cake-batter icecream right now. to an extreme.

yesterday was bitter-sweet. i finally got to hang out with Jessica by ourselves. heather and her family moved away, which in itself is bittersweet, but i never really got along with her. but i felt bad just asking jessica to go out. there were a couple times her and her boyfriend troy came over to hang out when heather was out of town, though.

but, we went and got pedicures. my first ever! it was okay for the most part - but that doesnt excuse the fact that it tickeled like hell, haha.

and then we hung out at her new apartment for awhile. WHICH I AM SO JEALOUS OF. its so quaint and clean. i'm so sick of roommates and useless junk. i want to throw away everything in here except our beds and tv's. and computers. and dishes. .. okay, shut up.

but its so much fun hanging with her. she and i are like TWINS. it's hilarious. hopefully we'll be able to hang out a ton more since heather moved away.

but yeah, we had a blast and i leave around 9 and get home. i walk through the door and what do i see? daniel fucking ASLEEP on the couch while kaidan's running around. i wake hi up, ask him wtf he's doing then he gets mad at ME. saying that i was overreacting.

ugh, yeah, okay. i'd SO be overreacting when kaidan got ahold of something sharp or something and hurt himself and daniel wouldnt even know. ::rolls eyes::

i feel like i cant go out or anything y myself ever for fear of shit like that.

i cant even relax at home because daniel is on his STUPID FUCKING COMPUTER GAMES 24/7 efhekfhwhfjkegfkegfkqewgflqwif

uhmm, yeah. i really wish i had that cake-batter icecreme.
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